another round

the two pathetic girls met up last nyt at glorietta.

an intense state of boredom prompted her to call.

her: "let's go out!"
the equally bored replied in a snap "where to?"

after that phone call, i counted down the minutes till 6pm.

got at glorietta after an hour. the activity center was crowded. after a few minutes, there she was. i was not expecting her to look so blooming, she looked so fresh.

we walked and walked and walked until we got tired. we can't decide on where to eat, until we saw yellow cab.

we were about to order pizza's only to discover that the 1 slice pizza meal we wanted was not available anymore. we cant order a whole box for we may not be able to finish it all. besides, we're on a strict diet.

walked and walked again while recounting our struggling emotional attachments. and along came our elusive questions

- how do you know when you love a person?
- how do you differentiate love from care?
- do i still want to go on?
- old habits never die, right? if so, is this one of my habits that i just cant push away?
- will i just forget everything?
- how do i forgive and forget?

finally, after a long walk, and just when the stalls in glorietta are starting to close, we finally decided to have dinner at mexicali. we ordered shrimp gambas. a big, big mistake. the meal smelled like an arab. if not for the shrimp, i would have left without touching my food.

on our way home, another litany of our EXs followed.

jitters

he passed by my workstation

"where's ___ seat?"
"i dont know him, he might be a new engineer here.."
"ok, thanks!"

with just that brief moment my heart pounded like crazy, i can't stop smiling. i've got a crush on him, you see.

he myt not know my name, he myt not even know that i exist until he approached me this morning.

but it doesn't really matter at all. im just happy that i could still get this feeling of exhilaration, i've never felt this way for the longest time.


~*~*~*~


last night, i think i saw someone i know. i was in an fx when i caught a glimpse of him. he was sitting at the front, beside the driver. i could see his face reflected in the mirror. it was his eyes, the shape of his face, but i'm not sure if it's really him. i noticed that he was checking his cell phone. i tried to send him a text message (some forwarded message type). after a few seconds, he pulled out his cell phone again. my uncertainty became less. i thought of giving his phone a ring, but i hesitated. i just don't want to go wrong. instead, i sent another text message, asking him if he happens to be inside an fx. without blinking, i steadily observed. a few seconds after, a reply came in. he said he's at home.

after that, i thought came in - what if it was him? however, this time it's different - no strong throbings inside me, no blushing in my cheeks, no butterflies in my stomach.

christmas air and the song

christmas is already getting near at hand here at eastwood. christmas tunes are heard over at the citiwalk, christmas lights and decorations have started to fill up the walls, doorposts, poles, a big christmas tree, about 15 feet high, is now being assembled in the lobby of our building. i'm not actually looking forward to christmas. christmas ambience makes me feel lonely, i don't know why.


~*~*~*~


this song has been following me, as if in pursuit:. it's always there, when i open the radio, in the bus, in the fx, at the television (one soap uses this as its soundtrack), in the streets, as i pass by my neighbor's haus...

I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me)

I hear you're taking the town again
havin' a good time with all your good time friends
i don't think that you think of me
you're on your own now, and i'm alone and free
i know that i should get on with my life
but a life lived without you could never be right

as long as the stars shine down from the heavens
long as the rivers run to the sea
i'll never get over you gettin' over me

i try to smile so the hurt won't show
tell everybody i was glad to see you go
but the tears just won't go away
loneliness found me, looks like it's here to stay
i know that i oughta find someone new
but all i find is myself always thinkin' of you

as long as the stars shine down from the heavens
long as the rivers run to the sea
i'll never get over you gettin' over me

oh, no matter what i do
spending a lifetime to live through
i can't go on like this
i need your touch
you're the only one i've ever loved

as long as the stars shine down from the heavens
long as the rivers run to the sea
i'll never get over you gettin' over me

i'll never get over you gettin' over
i'll never get over you gettin' over me

no, i am not heart-sick anymore! if i was, i probably would have gone mushy, squashy, squishy and might even have fainted.

this song brings no appeal to me anymore. however, everytime i hear this, i feel thankful. thankful that i was able to make it through. thankful that i am no longer hurting. thankful i have come to realize that am strong. thankful that after all, i know i can take life's bigger bumps and humps.

beaten path

i've been trying to hold back from it
lasted long enough
i've been strong
uncompromising, unyielding..
i thought i was succeeding
but, thoughts.. flashbacks.. memories.. still dwells in my mind
i just could not drive them away
with just one call
i forget everything that's supposed to be done
just one call
i come back to what i've been trying to hold back from
just one call
i fall again, exposed, unmasked
before i know it, i'm back to my old addiction again

the EX

i was chatting with a friend earlier. she told me the the EX was pursuing her again. after all that had happened - betrayal, cheating, two-timing and all- she's still willing to take the EX back.

she asked me "okay lang ba?"
i bluntly replied "kung san ka masaya, kung masaya ka nang ginagago ka, go for it"
she said "aray ko, ang sakit naman nun"

i know how hard it is to be in that situation, i've had my share. the feeling of being shattered, crushed.. that it seems my chest would explode anytime sooner. it was hard to breathe, as if a needle was poked in my lungs. had a hard to sleeping because the moment i lie in bed, tears will fall down continuously. there are even moments that tears will fall involuntarily. i had no control over it, as if my eyes had a mind of its own. i tortured myself with these thoughts - "what was wrong with me?.. where have i gone wrong?... "

it took a long time before i found acceptance in my heart. that after all, it wasn't about me.

enough of my bitterness. going back to my friend whom had an EX whose she's willing to take back, she concluded after our long chat the she's still very much in love with the EX and she going to take him back.

~*~*~*~

last nyt, i went home late. i've had a good discussion with an ofcmate, more like a heart to heart session. i just learned that she has also been in the same situation with my friend whom had an EX whose she's willing to take back. i asked her how was she able to manage. she was devastated, of course. however, despite all, she found forgiveness in her heart. she told me that the guy's sincerity in his repentance and his courage to tell her everything with all honesty was enough for her.

that's one thing i've learned from last nyt. that i should be able to have space for forgiveness in my heart... to learn how to trust all over again.

someday, i know i'll come at that point. someday..

all in a day's work

i was on leave this monday. it was jaene's big day, her oath taking at the manila hotel. here's our pictures for the said event.

~*~*~*~

last nyt, as i hurriedly got off at work, i planned on having dinner first before heading home. i was about to aboard the crossing/megamall bound fx when i heard a "barker" shouting out loud ayala ayala ayala. i changed my mind in a snap and took the ayala bound fx instead. i felt so hungry that i could hear my stomach grumbling. to make matters worst, heavy traffic greeted my way along c5. it took an hour from libis to reach ayala. after getting off at ayala, i briskly walked to luk yuen, i needed something hot to soothe my stomach. while looking for a seat, someone called my name. to my surprise, it was joan and jello! they are having dinner. i sat beside them and ordered shrimp congee right away. then, the kwentos and chikahan started. stuffs like who's married, who has kids already, etcetera etcetera... we parted after we finished our meal and after the long chikas and kwentos.

~*~*~*~

this morning, i took the "sandigan" bus, with my mother, on my way to work. this bus was meant for government employees who are working for the sandigan bayan and other government agencies nearby. the fare was only 30 pesos. i feel uneasy taking that bus. it's as if i could hear the minds of other people inside it, telling "ano ba naman ito, nde naman taga gobyerno, nakikisakay". anyway, as long as im with my mother, no one could snare at me.. try messing up with my mother, u'll hav the biggest regret of your life!

~*~*~*~

shortly after arriving at the office, i went to the hr dept for my new proximity card. snatched 500 pesos from my wallet. a unpleasant way to remind me to be more careful with my things.

~*~*~*~

past 8 pm on my pc's clock and im still at work. wish i could take a leave again tomorrow.

marriage and some stuff

did i just get a marriage proposal?

naah.. not a "real" one. this morning as i was on my way to work, someone just told me that if i'm still luvless by the age of 40, he's going to marry me!

whoa!

actually, im not really in a hurry. i don't even mind growing old alone. i'm happy the way things go for me now. a family whose always there beside me, got good friends who are just a phone call away, a decent job, few good hobbies to keep me bz . . .

however, this thought still echoes at the back of my mind -- will i still be this contented five or ten years from now?

i've got at least 5 close friends who have just got married for the last 3 years, and some are already planning already. my lola (maternal) got married at 22, my mother at 24 and a half. im turning 25 in five months, no boyfriend and no interest on having one YET.

for now, as i've always said, i will take my sweet time with this journey. no rushing, no hurying.

while all these are running in my mind, i sympathize with a friend whose relationship went kaput. she's supposed to get married not later than december this year. unfortunately, she just discovered that her boyfriend, i mean EX-boyfriend, has been having an "illicit" affair. i'll spare the details here for fear that the EX might shoot me dead.

lost

i seemed to have lost my proximity card.. but, i hope i have just misplaced it somewhere...

been so sleepy today at work, i had to gulp a cup full of coffee just to keep my mind alert. but still, my eyes gets droopy.

it's past 7 already, i should have gone by 6.. dodan has txted already, telling me to go home.

i still got some pending tasks here, arrgghh... hope rv's not reading this

me at work

mua at my workstation


me and ceapot

***picures courtesy of master cetec